NVC Model
NVC (Non Violent Communication)
I am unique in my approach in that I use the NVC (Non Violent Communication) revolutionary model of the late Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in which I was trained.
Nonviolent communication asserts that all human beings share the same universal needs and that behind every emotion, negative or positive, lies a universal need.
For example, if I am angry at a close friend because the friend did not tell me they were arranging to move out of state, it may be because my need for inclusion, or my need for trust, or my other need for honesty, were not met. If I am happy to hear that I got a promotion, it may be because my need for appreciation, or my need for financial sustenance, or my other need for dignity were satisfied. And so on.
The only difference between each of us, is not that we do not share the same universal needs. The only difference between each of us is how we prioritize these universal needs. One individual may have the universal need of learning as priority. Another may have the universal need of shelter as priority. A third may have the universal need of participation as priority. And so on.
Learning to identify our needs and to explore the needs of others is not something we are taught to do. It is something that requires not only skill, but also presence and safety in the nervous system. The unconditional support and modeling of another is often crucial especially because for most of us, early on, we were often punished, blamed, or shamed when we expressed our needs. Hence the sentence "I am not needy, you know" or "she is so needy!"
Yet, needs, meaning what we value, or what matters to us, are sacred. Needs are given to us by the cosmos. How can we then not honor them? It is precisely when we turn our back to what matters to us, or when we sacrifice one need for another need, for example, when we sacrifice our need for authenticity to meet our need for connection, that our bodies keep the score. It is when we ignore some of our needs at the expense of another that we perpetuate trauma, or re-traumatize ourselves. Or others.
In addition to the foregoing, working with needs requires a specialized competence because needs are often confused with strategies. If I say “I need you to shut up,” this is not a need. It is a strategy. I may have a need for touch, a need for rest, a need for space, or a need to be understood. And so on. Once I have identified my need(s) and expressed this to you or at least to myself, organically, the best strategy to achieve this need will naturally reveal itself vs. a maladaptive suboptimal strategy that I may have learned when I was 3 years old. One that will create more problems for my health or with another.
The pairing of emotions with universal needs helps to work with trauma and has a transformative effect — on the body, psyche, and joy of living. Working with what matters to us aligns and brings harmony to various facets of our being.